Why What I Love Is Also What I Loathe

I have been thinking long and hard the last few days as I toiled over editing a manuscript for a third try at submitting. I love writing, it’s something that I have wanted to do since I was a child and I am so grateful that there have been two publishers willing to take a chance on me three different times. Now, on the flip-side of that coin, I also hate writing. Why, you ask? Well, let me tell you…

About a year and a half ago to the day, I had some sort of seizure (my doctor and a team of specialists still cannot tell me what happened exactly). In essence, I completely lost an entire day out of my life. I have no memory whatsoever of what I did, said, etc. What I do know is that I could have very well killed myself by diving off the balcony of the apartment I used to live in, had it not been for some soda boxes my fiance left sitting on the floor which blocked my way to our sliding glass door. In any event, I ended up spending a week in the hospital and I haven’t been the same since then.

Now, while doctors and specialists tell me that there hasn’t been any changes that they can see medically, I can see it in my behaviors and such. The way that I speak, and the way my motor skills seems to have… well, a glitch is what I call it for lack of a better word. It may be something as simple as not being able to get a key into a lock – a lock that I have opened a hundred times, all the way to my writing not always making sense when I go back and read something I have typed up. Now that second one is the bane of my existence at the moment. Yes, I do go back and read everything I write as thoroughly as I possibly can, but I am finding that things are slipping by me. And it’s the little things like an extra word added or even a train of thought that was put on a different track, but the remnants are left behind. Things like that frustrate the hell out of me.

So, in addition to the remarks I made in my last post, I want to throw out there that when I get a vague response to something, I have to inquire for more information and sometimes it can take a bit before it is processed correctly in my mind. Now this is what makes getting vague editor/publisher responses in a rejection letter the most upsetting to me. Granted, I haven’t let any publishers/editors know of all of this, but then again, I have to ask myself, would they even care? I don’t expect some special treatment when going through an evaluation, however, is it too much to request that I get some clarification and not a vague response with a few points instead of most of the points when telling me something needs work? Maybe I am asking too much, but honestly, this is my life’s dream that I am working on here and a little help along the way would be more than appreciated, it would also be very encouraging to know that someone cares enough to help me.

Now, what does all this mean? Well, I have put out feelers for a beta reader because a friend I had doing it before… well, I need someone who thinks more like an editor/reader/reviewer and not just a fan of anything that I write (I still love you Jess! 🙂 ). I am optimistic I will find someone who can help me continue on the path to reaching my dream.


I thank any of you reading this for reading this (Good Lord, that was hella redundant).






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